Ashley, 28, who lives in the United States has this to say about Bradley, her husband: “I can tell he’s troubled by something just by the way he holds his beer bottle and stares into the distance.
But when I ask him what’s wrong, he says, ‘Nothing.’ And just like that, he claims up, withdraws into himself. I’m left to guess around the universe what the issue is.”
For many ladies, and even quite several guys, this is an all too familiar scenario.
Most men are like Bradley. Do they love their ladies? No doubt. As Ashley mentioned earlier, “He is essentially the same man—he loves me, shows it in all the ways he can. But what about me? How do I help out if he’s talking to me?”
“Most guys shut down the speech factory when problems become overwhelming,” says construction worker Dalton from Ohio.
But is this the only reason why guys avoid talking about their problems?
4 Surprising Reasons Why Guys Avoid Talking About Their Problems
Here are the reasons why guys hold back from talking about their problems. This article takes a deep dive into major reasons why guys avoid talking about their problems.
1. Traditional Masculinity and Gender Roles
There’s no way to talk about this issue without mentioning how masculinity and gender roles contribute to the epidemic of silence among men.
You could say all the gym time led us all here. The need to appear and feel macho. And when it’s all said and done, it all narrows down to how men everywhere are influenced by society.
What’s the ideal picture of a masculine man? Muscles, beards, football, beer, stoicism, and maybe, reticence. You get the picture?
How about women? Non-stop bickering about their makeup, girlfriends who won’t let them come to their birthday parties, constant pressure about what to wear, how to look, you know, the works.
With men, it’s what we call the traditional masculinity. The Society For The Psychology of Men in an article defines traditional masculinity as a set of conventional standards and expectations for men and it essentially defines what it means to be “masculine” within a particular society.
Take Japan for example, where men find it difficult to say “I love you,” In the West, men are more expressive with the four words. Do you suppose a Japanese guy would be expressive about work or financial pressure to someone he couldn’t say ‘I love you’ to?
Hardly.
Also, in most cultures, men are expected to be sole providers in the relationship. It is called the male breadwinner culture. This isn’t actual bread but a load of responsibility heavy enough to shut a guy’s mouth.
Most guys are just trapped in their gender roles. Some researchers found that boys would rather sweat out their stress or problems at football pitches rather talk to their family or friends.
Adele, 36, has this to say about her boyfriend, Riley, “He’s a handy guy. He loves fixing things. He can do up to three runs to Home Depot in a day. What does he do when the solution is not at Home Depot? He broods.”
Some guys believe as a man, you must never show weakness. Certain cultures of the world enforce this dogma.
For example, Tian from Japan says of her boyfriend, “Jake is a professor at the university, well learned, yet, he’s a very traditional guy. I always have to remind him he’ll break himself in pieces if he doesn’t slow down, talk to me and let’s figure things out together.”
Figure things out together? No, not for many guys. Solving problems is tied to masculinity in most countries. If your guy is from a culture or a country like that, chances are, he’ll refuse to talk to you if he has problems.
Guys love to be seen solving and fixing problems. Admittedly, even ladies prefer the handyman to the one who always calls in the technician for every little thing in the home.
Tian says, “I could tell Jake was troubled. He was sore about something. I found out later he’s been having a hard time balancing our tax records which he does all the time.”
When it’s a problem, it’s a problem. For some guys, it doesn’t matter the size of it. And for others, the size of it can cause them to go mute for a while.
How To Break Out of Gender Stereotypes
Breaking out of social stereotypes can be challenging. Even more so if you live in a culture where a refusal to conform is stigmatized. The following ways are how to break free of the stereotypes:
- Become aware of the stereotype of s3xism: some stereotypes are social constructs. For example, as a guy, your mental health is in danger when you bottle up too much stress.
- See vulnerability for what it is: vulnerability has its place in a balanced personality. A brain study at UCLA shows expressing emotions reduces anger, pain, and sadness.
- Speak up: to break this gender stereotype most guys are shackled in, speaking up is important. Society is tough on weak men, but being vocal about your problems can take many forms. For example, if speaking up will help, do it. Some guys are okay with not speaking up. It could be this is how they deal with their own issues. But if that’s not you, bro, let it out to someone you trust.
- Do the opposite: this isn’t just about being contrarian. Stereotypes are set beliefs about people. To get out of it, do the opposite expectation. Society says a man should never take breaks if he’s broke. Well, you take breaks. You aren’t the Terminator in the movies. You’re flesh and blood. Take that break if you need to.
- Share awareness: stereotypes are not easy to dismantle. Once they’re on, they form a permanent press. But guys must not lose hope. One guy at a time, as the saying goes. Educate yourself about stereotypes, share your findings with other men, and keep acting towards breaking down the stereotypes.
2. Fear of Vulnerability and Emotional Expression
Call it social correctness and you’d be right. Guys fear appearing vulnerable and emotional, generally speaking. Our society has succeeded in painting vulnerability in a bad light for the longest time.
Have you seen a guy weep and cry his eyes out? It’s not a pretty sight. And for the majority of women, even the ones who scream for men to “let it out” it is a huge turn-off.
And we think guys aren’t aware of this paradox? Yeah, well. This is one reason your guy, or most guys, would rather eat a meal of nails and shrapnel than cry. Especially in public.
So it is that men don’t want men to show vulnerability, women also don’t want it. Granted, it takes some guts to keep anxiety down while going about your daily life. And letting go can put a severe wrinkle on your day.
Emotional expression is also believed to be a woman’s thing. But the truth of the matter is that vulnerability is how you know blood runs in your veins, that you’re human, and that you’re not alone in the world.
We have the opportunity to learn about each other when we let others hear our story, hear our experiences. Stifling emotions reduces you to inanimate things.
Another study has shown that rather than breaking you down, vulnerability actually helps you deal with problems better. So guys, do yourself a favor, and be vulnerable when you need to.
Further, many guys have a warped understanding of what vulnerability means. In certain cultures, a man who allows himself to be vulnerable is berated, and called “a girl.”
Consider Derek, a guy who moved from Africa to the US to study. He said where he comes from in Africa, if a guy is vulnerable, he is told not to be like a woman.
As if being a woman is bad. Although in that African culture, women have their place and are respected, yet, vulnerability is considered something a woman should be. This could be about women’s nature.
But the point is, guys are capable of vulnerability. They are just not allowed to express it.
Why are men afraid to be vulnerable?
The answer to this question reveals perhaps one of the biggest ironies found in this issue. The reason why men avoid being vulnerable is rooted in fear of the unknown.
The unknowns here refer to the following:
- The chance of reciprocity: A surprising majority of men would speak out about their problems if they are sure someone would show the slightest interest. But if not, they’ll shut up. And this is one reason guys avoid talking.
They don’t want to be seen as weak should they voice out to the wrong ears. Myles, a basketball player says, “When I’m on the roll, I let go. I find I do have a lot to talk about. I talk to my buddies, or to my mom. I’d talk to my girl but I have to, you know, weigh and watch what I say.”
When asked why he has to watch his words with his girlfriend, he says, “I don’t, maybe, then she won’t trust me to hold her down. I guess.”
Note that Myles doesn’t have to filter when opening up to his mom. But he does when opening up to his girlfriend. He doesn’t feel the need to show he’s the man with his mom, but he definitely feels the pressure to be that way when with his girlfriend.
And therein lies one of the reasons guys avoid talking about their problems. Sometimes avoidance is caused by societal pressure to be manly. This in turn reduces the chance of reciprocity.
- The fear of being hurt: as we have already noted, society is waiting to embarrass a guy who shows vulnerability. Most women fancy the stoic, masculine, reticent buff, not the soft-spoken vulnerable guy. And guys know all these. So what do you expect?
Guys are afraid that talking about their problems, and allowing themselves to be vulnerable opens them up for more problems, more hurt.
Mark, from Brazil, says, “I once lost a girlfriend because I drove to her place just to talk about how helpless I felt for losing my job.”
Many guys have had this sort of experience with women. As everyone knows, a guy is usually tied to his money, his girl, or his video games.
Usually, the girl he loves takes the highest place in his life. What happens when that same girl is the one who embarrasses him, or leaves because he allowed himself to be vulnerable?
Such a guy would avoid speaking about his problems going forward.
- Fear of being harmed: harmed? You may wonder. Guys may fear emotional harm. Says Mark, “My girl tried to make me feel worthless by bringing up in conversations the time I cried. Even after we broke up. She was so pissed with me.”
Mark stayed out of the dating arena for years after this, broken by the emotional pain and embarrassment.
Consequences of suppressing vulnerability and emotions
Is suppressing vulnerability such a big deal? Yes, it is, even for guys, macho or not. Those premature lines on your face are probably a result of suppressing your emotions for so long.
Or that harsh outburst at the sales guy back at Home Depot. Or what about that time you stopped your car in the middle of the highway just to yell at another motorist in a spell of road rage?
Get the picture? Below are some of the consequences of suppressing your vulnerability:
- A wreck of mental health: bottling up your emotions as a guy is not a war you can win in the long term. You may be able to fool your mind for a while. But the human body and mind can only take much. At a time you don’t expect it, your mental health will pull a fast one on you.
Mark, quoted earlier, said, “When my guys ask about my girl, I would tell them we’re okay. But I could only pretend for so long. It was bad when I finally broke down. It was bad.”
- Wrecked relationships: emotional expression is a human need that must be met. If you deprive yourself of these needs, it inevitably affects your relationships with others—spouse, friends, coworkers, neighbors.
Carina says about her former marriage, “I lost my ex-husband before the divorce itself. I lost him to himself. I couldn’t reach him.”
- The circle continues: we need to recognize this issue as an epidemic that needs urgent solutions. First, we begin from the homes—parents must begin to break the cycle by teaching boys that talking about their feelings, and being vulnerable is a strength and not a weakness. The cycle of anger, depression, road rage, and domestic violence which are traceable to repressed emotions can all be broken if we begin early from the home. Being vulnerable does not reduce masculinity.
How can guys deal with the fear of vulnerability?
Avoiding vulnerability isn’t the solution. Then what is? The following are ways guys can deal with vulnerability:
- Understand what it is: understanding what vulnerability is can help you deal with problems. If you avoid being vulnerable, you’d set yourself up for problems on different fronts. Also, each person’s way of being vulnerable is different since we are all unique. Ask yourself: how does vulnerability manifest in me? Am I likely to break down in tears, drink, or become angry?
- Be balanced: the unique thing about men is, they’re logical creatures. This means balance should come to you more easily. When it comes to vulnerability, the best way to deal with it is by being balanced. Do not attempt to shut it off like a tap, and do not let it rush out of you uncontrollably.
- Build self-awareness: finally, building self-awareness can never go out of fashion. We live in an imperfect society. Realize that you can put in your best at being vulnerable and still get roasted for it, either by friends or strangers on Twitter. But here’s the point: would you take your vulnerability to social media? Self-awareness would probably prevent you from doing such a thing. Also, self-awareness would help you determine who to talk to, and when to talk to them. Or even whether to talk about the issue at all.
3. Lack of Emotional Intelligence and Communication Skills
Some guys avoid talking about their problems because they lack emotional intelligence or the communication skills required to express how they feel.
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is a type of social intelligence. According to a research paper, it is the ability of a person to be able to observe their own emotions or those of others, distinguish between the two then use the information to guide one’s actions and thinking.
Stephanie says about her husband, “Todd knows just by looking at me that I don’t want to have a conversation. It’s almost uncanny how he can know these things.”
Well, some people’s senses are tuned higher than others. Some have argued this has nothing to do with senses but is more a case of observation.
The more time you spend observing someone, the better you know their patterns and can act accordingly. This is emotional intelligence—being able to use information about your own feelings and those of the other person and acting appropriately.
Communication skills
The same paper describes communication skills as a process of thoughts, ideas, knowledge, and culture which are all conveyed using symbols peculiar to that culture.
It is an ability that helps you make deductions based on emotional cues—both yours and the other person’s—and make interpersonal relationship decisions based on this.
Again, if a guy doesn’t have this skill, they may find it quite difficult to talk about their problems because they lack the emotional and communication to express themselves.
But what’s the relationship between emotional intelligence and communication skills? How does a lack of it contribute to why guys avoid talking about their problems?
Relationship between emotional intelligence and communication skills
The results of studies on this have varied. While some studies show that empathy in men and women don’t vary significantly, others have shown women are more empathetic than men.
But one thing has been clear from the studies and it is: emotional intelligence and communication skills are very much related. And our happiness in life is greatly impacted by the presence of others.
The skills of communication and emotional intelligence are important if guys will start talking about their problems. It is important for building and managing relationships with other people.
If you’re having a hard time grasping the significance of emotional intelligence and communication skills, consider your relationship with your employer or coworkers at your job.
You do get along, don’t you? At least, to some extent, you can follow instructions at work, and you give feedback and are able to manage your relationship with everyone. We all do this as humans in order to keep our jobs.
Think about the skills needed to navigate the dynamic environment of work. There would be chaos if everyone just spoke or acted as they liked.
Try applying the skill you use to navigate life at work at home too. Of course, workplace environments are somewhat different from those in our homes or with friends.
4. Fear of Judgment and Rejection
Guys, sorry to break this to you but the fear of rejection can be a sign of low self-esteem and low self-confidence. It has to do with feeling less of something; it can be feeling less attractive, less intelligent, or less qualified for something.
Think of all the less-of-something that you know of and you can see why a guy may fear rejection. And fear of judgment is related to fear of rejection.
Now, the catch is, that the fear of rejection may be natural for you. It can also be something that came on after being judged or rejected. That is, after a very first painful rejection, a guy may stop trying to talk for fear of being rejected again.
Rejection is a part of life. Fear of rejection is real, let us at least begin from here—agreeing that it happens. It is real. Some have said that fear of rejection is irrational. This is not true.
Guys get rejected because women consider them unattractive. A guy applying for a job can get rejected because he is not qualified. Not all ideas are viable, and some are plain dumb. So your idea can face rejection for this singular reason.
So you see, rejection happens. All of us have suffered one form of rejection or the other. Women actually fear rejection in the dating arena more than men, which is why they hardly ask a guy out first.
Men getting rejected however is a common occurrence. So let no one tell you rejection is some irrational thought in your head. Rejection is real. But does this mean a guy should accept defeat and avoid talking about his problems?
Definitely not.
What’s an irrational thought is, thinking everyone will reject you.
What are the causes of fear of rejection?
As stated earlier, fear of rejection is caused by low self-esteem and low self-confidence. But this is not the only reason for the fear of judgment and rejection. Here are a few:
- Uncertainty: this feeling is irrational and tied to low self-confidence. Your head conjures scenarios where you are being rejected. It hasn’t happened yet but you suspect it.
- Past rejection: you were once confident that the person would listen but when you attempted to talk, it blew in your face—you were rejected, and severely judged for being a weak man.
- Other guy’s experience: you are confident about talking about your problem. But at the same time, you do not wish to be judged severely like the other guy whom his girlfriend walked out on because he broke down.
Effects of this fear of rejection
In research by the National Library of Medicine, it was found that rejection can have effects that include emotional, psychosocial, and interpersonal. It can also make people avoid putting themselves in situations where they get rejected again.
Guys who have received rejection naturally hold back from talking about their problems. The effects of rejection include:
- Loneliness: even though guys seem to do well all by themselves, this doesn’t mean loneliness among men isn’t a pandemic. When no one is there to listen, guys suffer alone, and in silence.
- Oversensitivity: another 2021 research calls this rejection sensitivity. Although the research was done on children, something is telling about it; it’s the same for guys who see every opportunity to talk as an equal opportunity for rejection.
How to deal with fear of rejection
In this article, we have talked about self-awareness. It is important to emphasize again that many of the problems guys face and that is stopping them from talking about their problems, can be traced to a lack of self-awareness.
To deal with the fear of rejection the following must be done:
- Become self-aware: ask yourself: what is driving my behavior? Am I the one pushing people away from me? Self-awareness will help you examine your past relationships and determine what you may be doing to cause rejection.
- Talk to yourself first: consider having a conversation with yourself first. You’d be surprised how illuminating such conversations can be. You may be able to spot loopholes in your attitude that is causing the rejection.
- Be realistic: having a realistic expectation of people and situations can also help you deal with rejection when you need to talk. Also, go outside, and touch grass, as they say. Engaging in outdoor activities can ground your mind, boosting your confidence in yourself.
- Ask for professional help: fear of rejection can be deep-rooted. It may require the intervention of a professional. If that’s you, don’t hesitate to seek this help. Your mental health may be endangered if you try to slug it on your own.
Before You Leave
Changing stereotypes can be challenging when it comes to convincing guys to talk about their problems. Everyone’s hands must be on deck.
To help men break free of societal expectations and gender roles requires an enabling environment devoid of harsh judgment.
Seeking professional help through therapy is not out of place. Family and friends also need to be supportive of guys. Guys can overcome all the internalized issues that prevent them from talking about their problems.
