An assertive person is not afraid to voice his or her feelings, beliefs, convictions, knowledge about a thing, correction, or admonition, without an intention to hurt the other person.
An assertive person takes a position in an argument, conversation, or disagreement and stands by it. An assertive person does not compromise their stand on a matter.
They stay on course until those on the opposite side of the divide concede. But none of this is done with malicious intent.
An assertive person is a good communicator of their point, feelings, or point of view. They endeavor to communicate their side of any story honestly, and openly in a way that shows they’re interested in the opposition’s right to be heard too.
An assertive person does not necessarily want a fight or confrontation. Although many assertive persons are not coyed by the possibility of confrontations.
Perhaps you can already see this behavior described above in someone you know. Or even in yourself. However, why does it matter that we know what or who an assertive person is?
Importance of recognizing assertive behavior
Assertiveness has been described by some as an important and integral component of effective communication skill.
Recognizing assertive behavior in yourself maybe all you need to ascertain how and why certain things have happened to you in your relationships with people.
Bullies often pick the weakest in the pack. If you were bullied in the past, or are still being bullied, recognizing what assertive behavior is can help you come out of the trap of weakness. The point is that an assertive person exhibits strength of character. A nonassertive person is weak, a pushover.
- A human resource manager would be interested in recognizing an assertive person so they can fill a role with the right person.
- A parent needs to know if they have an assertive kid so they can prepare him or her for life outside the home.
- A business person needs to recognize if their business associate is an assertive person so they can have confidence in their word or action.
- An assertive politician is better for the city than a weak pushover.
- An assertive person will make a better trustworthy partner in a relationship.
The importance of being able to recognize assertiveness in yourself or others is an effective enabler of great relationships. Society is the better for it.
5 Amazing Signs You’re An Assertive Person
Now that you know the difference between an assertive behavior and a passive one, and the benefits of being assertive, what are the signs of assertiveness?
You may be interested in developing assertive behavior too. Here are all the signs that you’re an assertive person.
1. You’re A Clear Communicator
You’re an assertive person if you communicate clearly. No one has a hard time understanding what you’re saying or what you mean.
Words carry weight and they have a life of their own. You don’t necessarily need to have Ted-Talk level speaking skills to be assertive. All you need are:
a. Directness in speech
This means you say exactly what you mean. Whatever comes out of your mouth is exactly what you want the other person to understand. This is not the same as being brusque or rash in speech. It means being respectful of your listener while saying your mind.
This also does not mean being tactless or using careless speech. It means you’re not ambiguous or ambivalent, or even deceitful in your speech.
b. Ability to express opinions and feelings
One reason why a person may be passive in behavior is if they don’t have the ability or the words to describe their feelings.
Expressing your opinion properly and effectively requires serious forethought. Take time to think about and resolve your feelings about an issue.
Research the roots of your concerns, and put them in words using the right terminology. Be succinct and exact when expressing your opinion or feelings so it’s not misunderstood.
c. Active listening skills
Being assertive must not be mistaken as being selfish or domineering of your listeners. The best communicators are also the best listeners and communication is not complete until you have listened to the other side.
When it’s your turn to listen so the other person can speak, follow these tips:
- Acknowledge the other person as they speak. Maintain eye contact but do not freak them out.
- Listen actively by paying attention to their body language. Be empathetic with the appropriate facial expressions.
- Listen, don’t just hear. Do this by giving feedback—nodding, smiling, saying ‘uhuh’, ‘yes’, ‘right’, smiling, and so forth.
- Be reasonable. Ask yourself: must I react, counter, judge, or respond immediately? Determine if all that is needed from you is just listening.
- Give an appropriate response if the circumstances call for it. Be respectful but direct when doing this.
2. You Set Boundaries
As we have already stated, to be assertive means being open about your opinions, and your feelings. Saying what you mean, and meaning it.
This means that you are judged by your standards too. To be assertive, you have to set boundaries and be serious about keeping it. The following are the ways to set boundaries:
a. Saying no when necessary
The truth is, saying no can be hard. But it is important to learn when to say no and mean it. People have an aversion to no. Some dread it. But no doesn’t always have to be negative. And when you say it, you can do it in a firm but polite way.
Saying it this way preserves the dignity of the other person. Furthermore, when saying no, avoid being apologetic or defensive.
Below are a few ways to say no without being defensive or apologetic:
- Sadly, I’ll have to decline your request.
- I’m afraid I’m unable to attend.
- It would be an honor to attend your birthday but I simply can’t on that date.
- I have something else scheduled for that date. I won’t be available.
b. Asserting personal space and time
Another aspect of setting boundaries is when it comes to your personal space or time. There’s nothing wrong in letting others know that you are unable to share your space or give your time.
You can choose to let them know your reasons or not. For example, you can assert your personal space in the workplace if a colleague is overstepping their bounds.
Harassment in the office can be prevented by setting these sorts of boundaries. The dangers of over-familiarity can also be avoided when you set boundaries on your time.
Here are examples of words to say to show you are asserting boundaries on your space and time:
- I don’t feel comfortable with you touching me that way.
- I want to keep this discussion as professional as possible.
- I need you to keep your hands off me.
c. Respecting others’ boundaries
As you set your boundaries, so do others too. If you want others to respect your boundaries, you have to be ready to respect those set by others too.
Acknowledging the boundaries set by other people, and respecting their decisions is also a way to be assertive.
3. You Are Confident and Self-Assured
An assertive person exhibits confidence. They are self-assured. This means the person is convinced his decision is best for him or her.
Confidence can be built with action and self-affirmations. A self-assured person is an assertive person who has been doing the following:
a. Standing up for oneself without being defensive
Every human is an agency for themselves. Although we have laws to protect us, we still have to stand up for ourselves.
To be an assertive person, you must be ready to do this at all times. Here are a few ways to stand up for yourself:
- By sticking to your guns: This means standing by your word. Whatever you say you will do, do it. This assertiveness makes people take you seriously.
- Learn to say no: as we have noted repeatedly, saying no isn’t always a bad thing. You will be taken advantage of by aggressive people if you don’t assert yourself by saying no when you should.
- Stop giving too much: giving is a good thing. But learn to have limits. If you continue to give without taking time to replenish yourself, you will end up with nothing. Assertiveness helps you reserve some of the things you give others, for yourself.
- Show restraint: being assertive works both ways. An assertive person also shows restraint. You don’t have to fight all the battles. Know when to step back from situations that do not necessarily need your input.
- Avoid the trap of guilt: mistakes are inevitable, and so do the feelings of guilt they leave behind. Assert yourself by forging on through the guilt you feel. Avoid staying down or allowing guilt to define you.
- Let your confidence show: avoid walking with slumped shoulders, bowed heads, or a sad face, to make others feel you’re humble. When speaking to others, avoid using body language that conveys guilt, or self-pity.
b. Handling criticism constructively
Handling criticism is not the forte of everyone. If you are able to do this, it is a sign you’re an assertive person. And if you want to become more assertive, then learn how to handle criticism by following these tips:
- Be prepared to take constructive criticism: this is important because criticism can hurt. But in the long run, you’ll find that we all need it to grow and become better people. Always bear in mind that people will criticize you.
- Focus on the substance of the criticism: not everyone who criticizes you does so to hurt you. Assertive people focus on the substance of the criticism. There’s value in correction.
- Don’t react, act: an assertive person is not quick to react. They think deeply about what is said. Then they act in order to correct their own actions, not those of the critic.
- Don’t focus on how you feel: assertive people don’t allow criticism to get them down. Most people’s shoulders will sag, and they become crestfallen after hearing biting criticism. That is not a sign of assertiveness.
- Be professional: a sign of assertiveness is when you don’t allow criticism to make you go out of character. It is a sign of assertiveness when you remain professional as you listen to criticism.
- Be open to feedback: one vital sign of assertiveness is being open to feedback. Also, assertive people ask questions with the purpose of learning and improving. They know that oftentimes, the feedback is not about their person, it is about the role or office they occupy.
c. Taking ownership of decisions and actions
Especially if you occupy a major role in an organization or workplace, you will be required to make decisions. Though these decisions affect others, you must accept sole responsibility for making them.
A lot of work may go into making these decisions, and you may even require the help of several other people to do it. Yet, the buck stops at your doorstep.
A sign that you’re assertive is when you accept ownership of decisions and actions. These are the ways to do this as an assertive person:
- Own the decision: assertive people do this by not being afraid to make decisions. Of course, your decision must be informed. Yet, if your role requires it, then decisions must be made or people working with you won’t trust you.
- Make decisions free of emotions: emotions have power, and they can heavily influence decisions. They can also be wrong. This is why an assertive person invests a lot in making decisions that are likely to have the best possible outcomes. A sign of assertiveness is involving experts, learning from past decisions, and so on, before making a new one.
- Take responsibility: you are an assertive person if you always take responsibility for the decisions you make. You accept the success or failure of your decisions. This also involves seeking solutions when there is a need for it.
4. You Have Problem-Solving Skills
Another sign you’re an assertive person is you possess problem-solving skills. These skills can either be innate or learned.
Assertiveness in this sense is a skill that yields formidable results for people in the corporate world. If you don’t already have these skills, here are ways to develop them:
a. Proactive approach to resolving conflicts
A sign that you are an assertive person is you don’t wait until problems occur before you know what to do. You envisage conflicts and have contingency plans to care for such eventualities. The following are tips that assertive people use:
- A good listener: when emotions are high, people talk to release their emotions of frustration. An assertive person listens to learn what the real problem is.
- Show empathy: show the person you care about their feelings. Assertive people show they care in their choice of words. For example, mirror back the other person’s feelings, and repeat the words they used to describe their feelings. And mean it.
- Don’t take a side: being neutral in such situations is a sign of assertiveness too. This is especially a good strategy if you occupy a leadership role and you’re trying to resolve an issue that involves subordinates or employees.
- Avoid reacting: as we noted earlier in this article, the best way to ruin things is to react. Avoid responding to comments from an angry customer, for example. Instead, assert yourself by redirecting them to the issues.
- Set limits and boundaries: sometimes, even your best efforts may not be enough for some folks. When this happens, an assertive person goes ahead to set limits and boundaries. For example, if a customer at your organization refuses to adjust, you may have to end the interaction with them.
b. Seeking win-win solutions
You are an assertive person if you always seek a win-win outcome. This is a sign that you know, not only what you want from the situation, but that of the other person.
This is a strong indication of assertiveness and that you want value for you and the other party. Those who aren’t assertive can learn to develop this skill:
- Bear the other person’s goal in mind: always remember that you’re not the only one with a goal. Let the other person’s goal be clear in your mind.
- Analyze your own expectations: ask yourself: are my expectations in this situation reasonable, and realistic? If your expectations are unrealistic to you, they probably aren’t to the other person too.
- Be an objective person: emotions can cloud our judgments. Maintain an objective, unselfish stance at all times.
- Have a next-best alternative: it is often said that two things can be right at the same time. Assertive persons coming into conflict resolution situations with alternatives.
- Working for a common goal: assertive persons seek common goals. This prevents them from wasting their time on unproductive and unprofitable pursuits.
- Honesty about issues: it is not possible to see every potential issue in a situation. An assertive person knows this and prepares themselves.
c. Adaptability in challenging situations
Assertive people don’t run away from challenging situations. It is true that challenging situations can present unfamiliar problems. Assertive people see situations like this as an opportunity to learn.
Adaptability is part of the problem-solving skills that assertive people have. If you don’t already have it, here is how adaptive people display adaptability:
- They’re open-minded: assertive folks among us are the ones who are ready to learn new things. In times of famine, an adaptive person would pick up the skill of gardening to continue to sustain themselves. They don’t see problems, they see opportunities to learn new things.
- They maintain a routine: when new challenges arise, assertive people develop a routine for dealing with it. Maintaining a routine can help you preserve your sanity in a challenging situation. For example, if a health challenge arises, walking daily to stay healthy is a great way to cope.
- Being confident in yourself: means asserting yourself in the face of challenges. Talking the walk, walking the talk kind of thing. This also means not focusing for too long on your role in creating the challenge. Doing this only reinforces hurt feelings.
- Being prepared for the unexpected: assertive people project into the immediate future. They prepare for eventualities. Though no one can see the future, foresight is still a thing.
- Taking care of self: assertive people understand that at the end of the day, you’re all you’ve got. They focus on taking care of their physical health through a healthy diet and exercise.
- Outsourcing help: it is a good sign you’re assertive if you unapologetically, occasionally ask for help. It means you understand that you only have two hands.
5. You Are Resilient
Another sign you’re an assertive person is you are resilient. In fact, a report shows assertiveness builds resilience in people.
So if you have grit, and have weathered storms that would have broken some other people, then it’s a sign you’re an assertive person.
But being resilient isn’t something you get by repeating some mantra. Resilience is many things that will surprise you. Here are a few things about the resilient, assertive person:
a. Handling setbacks and failures gracefully
An assertive person is resilient because they’re able to handle setbacks and failures with grace. They don’t fold and they hold up with honor.
Think of a warrior from your favorite epic movie. You may wonder though: how do assertive people do this? Well here’s how to handle setbacks and failure with grace:
- Let yourself feel the disappointment: being resilient doesn’t mean you are unfeeling or emotionless. Feelings of disappointment are natural. It’s what you do after that matters.
- Reconstruct the circumstances: assertive people turn the situation on its head, in their mind. If it was bad, can it be good? If so, how do I make it better? The focus is shifted from ‘a mess to a thing of beauty.’
- Analyze how the setback happened: assertive people also focus on preventive measures. To do this, they analyze the setback to know the cause of it. This is especially important for workplace situations.
- Get help: in the end, an assertive person is not afraid to admit that they need help.
b. Learning from mistakes
Since we can’t stop mistakes from happening we must learn how to live with and after them. Assertive people know this life’s truth too well. Non-assertive people cry and beat themselves about their mistakes, assertive people don’t.
Scientific studies have found that the brain responds more slowly after a mistake as if it is taking its time not to repeat the mistake. Hence, we are wired to learn from our mistakes.
Assertive people do this more than most and it sets them apart. Here are the signs that you’re an assertive person who learns from mistakes:
- You own up to your mistake: this takes confidence in who you are. Rather shift the blame on to someone else, you step forward and accept responsibility for your mistakes.
- You reshape your mistake into your favor: because you have owned the mistake, you understand why it happened. You know how to make it an opportunity to learn something new. This also involves reviewing what went wrong, finding out what specific actions or decisions led to the mistake, and how not to repeat it. Some mistakes actually turn out to be the best thing that happens sometimes.
- You capitalize on tools to prevent a repeat: assertive people turn the prevention of a repeat mistake into a project. This means, identifying and acquiring the tools, skills that will prevent the mistake from happening again.
- Review the results: assertive people take time to review how efficient their process is for dealing with mistakes. If the specific mistake is consistently prevented using this process, then they stick to it.
c. Maintaining composure under pressure
Some people are able to stay calm under pressure. Assertiveness helps you be like them. Pressure is a part of our lives.
You may experience pressure to make ends meet, to pay bills, to deliver your role at work, etc.
Assertiveness prevents you from caving under pressure. How does being assertive help you maintain your composure?
An assertive person does the following when under pressure:
- Breath: when under pressure our bodies secret stress hormones. Some people experience shortness of breath. An assertive person sees the stressful situation for what it is—a temporary thing. The assertive person doesn’t think the world should stop on account of the pressure.
- Be subjective: an assertive person doesn’t take things personally. People often lose their composure in the face of pressure, but not an assertive person.
- Be positive: an assertive person continues to assert himself even when the situation is over. The workplace is one of the places where people face pressure the most. Being positive involves not throwing fits, or throwing tantrums.
- Analyze and learn from the situation: assertive persons analyze the situation to understand what’s going on. This understanding boosts your confidence. Rather than feeling attacked, an assertive person sees the situation as an opportunity for more experience.
Assessing Your Assertiveness
After knowing who an assertive person is, you probably see yourself as an assertive person as well. But how do you assess your own assertiveness?
First, where are you right now when it comes to being assertive? Have you been passive or assertive in the recent past?
Taking an assertiveness test is one of the best ways to know if you need to work more on being assertive.
You can also recall the last time you found yourself in a situation that required your response. How did you respond? Were you assertive or passive?
Afterthoughts
Being assertive will save you a lot of stress in life. Everyone can learn the skill of assertiveness. This article has shown what the signs are of an assertive person.
All you need to do is take stock of how you have reacted to situations recently to know if you need to work on your assertiveness or not.
