Trauma can mean different things to different people, the same way people can react differently to trauma.
To some they might react by immediately avoiding everything that causes them trauma, while for others it might be the other way round, they feel overpowered, embarrassed even have total dependence on the abuser, making it difficult to leave.
When you begin to have a deep affection for the person who causes you pain, be it physical, emotional, or psychological it is called trauma bonding.
Also, walking away from an abusive partner is not always easy. Especially when these persons have depended solely on their partners and good things have come out of the relationship, like children and so on.
Even memories can make you have an unbreakable bond with your partner, especially relationships that initially had a happy beginning.
This article will point out 10 reasons why the trauma bond is so strong, also letting you know why you should break out from it.
10 Reasons Why Trauma Bond is Strong
Trauma bonds are so strong because the individuals involved can develop a deep emotional connection with themselves, making it difficult to leave.
The suffering person over time builds trust and dependency in their abuser, especially when the individual showers them with affection after the abuse, this can prompt the release of oxytocin hormones, cajoling them into thinking they are loved.
However these can make people lose their self-esteem, it can damage a person to the extent of questioning their identity, that they continue to feel shame and isolate themselves from others.
Below Are 10 Reasons That Make Trauma bonds strong:
- The human hormones
- Absolute reliance
- Brainwashing and Emotional Blackmail
- Childhood experience
- Mixed feelings
- Estrangement from loved ones
- Identity crisis
- You get accustomed to it
- Hopefulness
- Negative commentary
The Human Hormones
The hormones are regulatory substances used for stimulating specific cells or tissues into action.
You might be surprised that your hormones play a part in strengthening trauma bonds, according to research, love hormones include; Oxytocin, Dopamine, Vasopressin (AVP), Serotonin, Endorphins, Adrenaline, GABA (Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid), these hormones work hand in hand, in creating emotions and attachment.
Most abusive people tend to express regret immediately, shower with excess affection, and even buy presents for their victims.
These offer some kind of consolation for them making them look past the abuse.
So many times the abusers show lots of care, and physical attention when their victims are in pain and these cause the release of hormones that foster emotional response and build attachment.
Your body becomes aware of their care and availability, further increasing your dependency on your abuser, strengthening their bonds, and making it difficult to leave.
Often people only receive love and care from their lovers, only when they are in pain, and this person might themselves provoke their lovers to inflict pain on them.
Absolute Reliance
Another sign that the trauma bond is strong is when the victim has absolute reliance on the abuser. Especially when the abuser is the provider in the relationship.
Oftentimes the victims begin to make excuses, reviewing their actions and blaming themselves for their partner’s behavior.
Another thing that might make a victim rely absolutely on their partner even when they know they are being abused is seeking validation.
This is a result of low self-esteem, the feeling that comes with loss of control over one’s life, this makes them think they cannot survive without their partners.
Relying absolutely on financial assistance from your partner can also build a traumatic bond, that is why it is advisable to be financially stable before going into a relationship and this applies to both genders.
Brainwashing and Emotional Blackmail
Most abusive partners gaslight their partner, making them think they are the cause of the problem in the relationship, and the victim begins to question their own sanity.
Emotional blackmail can make the trauma bond strong, the abuser plays the victim in the relationship.
After abuse they become very affectionate with their partners, making their partner feel that their life will be over if they leave, this makes them think that their partner loves them so much and ignore their brutal behavior.
Also, most abusive people use shaming words as a form of blackmail on their partner at the same they end it with loving reassuring words.
For example when your partner uses words like; you are so fat no one can ever be with you, you are lucky I chose you, you can never find someone who would love you with your cabbage as I do, and so on.
This evokes fear in the victim, making them feel threatened, the assurance attached to these words will make it difficult to leave, thereby strengthening the trauma bond.
Childhood Experience
Your background and upbringing as a child, play a significant role in your life and this contributes to your character and beliefs as you grow into adulthood.
People who are brought up in an abusive environment, either tend to become abusers themselves as a defense mechanism or become receptive to abuse, and most times frequently find themselves in a violent relationship.
In addition, this can affect their choices, and social relationships, as most children who have experienced trauma grow up with low self-esteem, becoming dependent on their partner in everything, leading to control from them making their bond strong.
They often use these words, it is because he loves me that is why he is behaving this way.
Most of them are already used to traumatic experiences and have learned to cope with them, making it difficult to break free from trauma bonds.
Mixed Feelings
This is another reason why the trauma bond is so strong. Often, the beginning of a relationship with an abusive partner is always beautiful. They come off as very kind, peaceful, and affectionate people.
You fall for them and believe you are in a healthy relationship, Once they notice they have your trust things begin to fall apart in the relationship.
This leads to confusion for the victim, they begin to have mixed emotions towards their partner and become indecisive individuals.
As a result, they don’t know whether to stay or leave, which can intensify the trauma bond.
Also, people who have been brainwashed, talked down upon, and are fearful of their partner, find it difficult to leave their relationship, they seek validation and emotional support from them.
This makes them addicted to their partner’s want, holding it high above themselves, and finding it very hard to break the bond in their relationship.
Estrangement From Loved Ones
Trauma bonds can make one isolated from their families, friends, and people who care for them. Most times it can be as a result of shame and guilt, victims now blame themselves and accept maltreatment seeing it as chastisement for their behavior.
Also, the majority of abusers usually block the relationship of their partners with the outside world, as a result their partners now totally depend on them emotionally and otherwise.
Additionally, this can arouse fear in the victim making it difficult to leave an abusive relationship, they cling to their partner, dreading abandonment.
As I have stated earlier, when one has become estranged from their loved ones, they lack external support, this makes them alone, having just their partner in their life.
They are compelled to accept their behavior, constantly analyzing it in their head and coming up with reasons as to why their partner acts the way they do.
This further reinforces a traumatic relationship, making it challenging to leave.
Identity Crisis
An identity crisis is a time of self-doubt and inner turmoil about oneself, and this can be caused by trauma bonds and also strengthen it. A person suffering from an identity crisis has become lost with no direction.
They seek validation, can be easily controlled, and manipulated, and are capable of being influenced effortlessly.
Furthermore, the victim becomes emotionally vulnerable with their partners causing strong attachment with them.
Likewise, identity crises can make the abused partner give up and resign to their fate, since they are uncertain and lost confidence in themselves, they come to a point where they give in to the abuse, and begin to please the abuser.
The relationship will become strengthened and memories will be developed, these victims hold on to these memories, growing the connection, and as it grows, leaving becomes harder, even though they are aware that they are in an unhealthy relationship.
Additionally, trauma bonds can damage a person, bringing them deep pain, it takes them away from the world they are used to, and when a person doesn’t know who they are anymore, they accept whatever situation they find themselves in.
You Get Accustomed To It
Something that has become a routine to you, has become part of you, and changing routines can be very complicated.
Trauma bond follows a pattern, where the abuser continuously abuses the victim accompanied by a kind gesture.
Once they have inflicted pain on their partner the abuser immediately becomes sober, some might even break into tears, blaming unknown forces, you often hear words like I don’t know what came over me.
Also, they immediately change for some time, showing excess love, and romance to their partner making It up to them.
The abused person feels loved and becomes convinced that their partner has changed and remains with them.
Then when a partner goes mad again they become confused and may resolve to blame themselves for their problem.
As I have stated earlier, once the abused person begins to take the blame, he will start to please their partner to gain them back to themselves, and this enhances attachment.
So being accustomed to a particular style in a relationship can strengthen trauma.
Hopefulness
Hopefulness is another thing that can make a trauma bond strong, especially when the relationship has bore fruit. Fruits of engagement or even children.
The victim might close their eyes to their suffering hoping that their abusive partner would change. Most times they believe that after marriage their cheating partner will become loyal, and their partner who abuses them physically will stop.
Also, children can make victims remain in an abusive relationship, the fear that comes with the thought of who will take care of their children when they leave can strengthen the trauma bond.
The victim learns to cope with the trauma and remain in the relationship, for the sake of their children, or what they have built together.
Negative Commentary
One more thing that makes trauma bonds strong is talking down on your partner. This is a form of verbal abuse, where the abuser uses bad words to talk down on their victim.
Usually, most abusers use sweet charming words at the start of the relationship, they flatter their partner and gain their trust, after this, they begin to pick on their partner’s imperfection.
This negative commentary most times comes during a misunderstanding, the abusers use that moment to shame their partner, blaming it on anger and then apologizing immediately becoming loving again.
However, with any slight mistakes from their partner, they begin with the insults again. These hurtful words can be body shaming, constant correction, mental abuse, intellectual abuse, and so on.
And when they constantly apologize, the victim sees it being loved, thinking they want better for me, and that is why they continue to pick on them.
This negative commentary can lead to low self-esteem, resulting in seeking validation and people-pleasing, thereby making the trauma bond stronger.
In Summary
A trauma bond is a negative attachment to someone who inflicts pain on you. So many factors could lead to this negative attachment, making the bond strong and difficult to break.
Also, the effects of trauma bonds, are harmful to the victims; from loss of identity, and fear, to feelings of unworthiness, even suicidal thoughts can creep in.
If you find yourself in such a situation, it is best you seek help, for freedom.
