Sometimes the most valuable life lessons come from the relationships that don’t work out.
In this article, I’ve compiled 30 lessons from 30 different individuals who have been through the ups and downs of failed relationships.
Whether you’re going through a breakup or just looking for insight into what went wrong in the past, these lessons offer a fresh perspective that can help you grow and help you heal.
Emma (28): You can’t love people in your image
I tried to mold him into who I thought he should be for five years. I showered him with love and affection, hoping to transform him into the man of my dreams. It was exhausting for both of us.
I think he could tell that I thought he needed fixing. Now that I know better I feel sorry for him. Finally, I realized I couldn’t change him, and if I couldn’t love him for who he was then I had to let go.
Dane (42): Looking back, I believe I had a part to play in my suffering
I was a coward, my fear of being alone was greater than my fear of being trapped in a loveless marriage. The spark had died and we were roommates but I kept making excuses because there was no abuse.
We simply didn’t love each other anymore. Sometimes people fall out of love with one another, the world will try to guilt trip you into staying. Don’t listen to them.
Sometimes it’s just best to walk away from each other before the resentment creeps in. Marriage should last forever but sometimes it just doesn’t.
Sarah (35): If you ignore the red flags, you will end up with regrets
This man was CONTROLLING but I dismissed it because I was blinded by the looks and money so I convinced myself it was love.
It wasn’t until the possessiveness became suffocating and abusive that I realized the fact that I was in trouble. Constant calls on my phone, yelling, breaking stuff, stalking, isolating me from friends, hitting me, gaslighting me. It was hell!
Now, I listen to my instincts. I don’t care how nice you seem, if I sense something off about you, I’m running away.
Angela (32): Don’t bottle up your feelings, be honest with what you want and communicate it
I was raised in a home where my opinions went unheard. I guess that transferred into my relationship. I was always the one making the compromises, always the understanding girlfriend, never objected or complained yet, I still got my heart broken.
Bottling up your opinions doesn’t let peace reign, it just gives room for resentment to fester in your heart. Now, I understand the importance of open and honest communication where both partners feel heard and understood.
Helen (25): My trust issues pushed him away
I guess I have matured well enough to admit that I was the problem. Honestly, John had to have been the best of all the men I’ve dated but I had serious trust issues at the time. I doubted everything he did or said.
We were always fighting and I always blamed him for everything. It was so bad that I hacked his WhatsApp just so I could monitor his messages. This man had reassured me a million times but it just wasn’t working. In the end, he broke up with me.
Now that I know better, I wish I had resolved my trust issues before we met. Here’s a piece of advice for anyone going into a relationship, resolve your issues before you get romantically involved with anyone.
Evans (32): She wanted a family but I wanted my freedom and money
She was my first love in college. We were so giddy in love and were even talking about the number of kids we would have but when we graduated, my priorities changed.
She wanted a family but I wanted my freedom and money. It hurt to let her go but it was the best decision for us. We just weren’t headed in the same direction. At the end of the day, shared goals are important when choosing a life partner.
Noah (27): She was a compulsive liar
She lied about everything unprovoked. It would have been funny if it wasn’t so embarrassing.
She made me restless, I doubted everything she said and that was stressful. I tried my best to help her change but she didn’t consider it a big deal so we broke things off.
For me honesty is non-negotiable and sometimes you have to let people fix their bad habits on their own, if they aren’t ready to change then there is nothing you can do.
Joy (21): People love for the wrong reasons
I met my ex at 19 and he was 25. I thought he wanted me because I was calm and brilliant. Turns out he wanted me because I was young.
I guess he thought I would be easy to control and deceive. He expected me to obey him without asking any questions… lol. .. even my father didn’t have such expectations.
After a while, it dawned on me that this man wanted a puppet. I was sad because he was a fine boy but I knew I would never be my true self with him.
Amara (25): I was the problem
At the time I always played the victim. Never taking accountability for my actions. Always pointing fingers. I was too dishonest to take responsibility for my faults.
Now I realize that I was the problem. I feel terrible, I wish I could turn back time and right my wrongs. Self-awareness is a necessary life skill that every adult must master.
I have learned to look inward and first consider my actions before placing demands on others. Dear Deji, wherever you are, I hope you are healed from all the hurt I caused you.
Boma (30): Women never fully forgive you for cheating
I cheated on Tosin over and over again but she would never break up with me.
She loved me and I took it for granted. By the time I decided to stop cheating and focus on her, I noticed how cold she had become.
The friendship was gone and so was the trust. I tried to rebuild what we had but it was long gone. I don’t blame her though, it’s all my fault but I wished she had just broken up and moved on instead of silently judging me every day, or maybe it was my guilty conscience talking.
If you are caught cheating, don’t bother with an apology, just break up and move on.
Marcello (24): Love is a gift, don’t take it for granted
Some people love with their entire being. They do not mind being vulnerable and giving their all to the ones they love.
When you find such people, cherish them because those are once-in-a-lifetime individuals, you may never meet their kind again.
I have regrets about how I treated the good girls I hurt in the past. I thought they were desperate but now I realize that they were just in love with me.
Tiffany (27): Once a cheat, always a cheat
When he says he won’t do it again what he means is he will be more careful next time. I forgave him so many times I began to wonder if my standards were too high.
All I wanted was for him to respect his promises to me. Now that I know better I don’t waste my time asking any questions. It wasn’t a mistake, he knew what he was doing.
Karen (30): Love is hard work
I wish someone had told me that love is not always rosy. I would have stayed and tried harder. He supported me and stood by me when I needed him but when he was down, I ran away.
When you love someone, you must be willing to give them your best. To do everything in your power to protect what you have. It takes two people to make a relationship work.
When you find that person who is worthy of your affection, don’t hold back. Love them with your heart.
Dana (23): Hyper-independence is a problem
I had a very tough life as a teenager. My independence was everything to me and this affected my relationships. I didn’t trust anyone, I never asked for help and my partners all had the same complaint. I made them feel disposable.
At the time, that was how I interacted with people. 3 broken relationships later and it is dawning on me that I haven’t fully healed from past trauma or understood the value of human connections.
Now I’m learning to genuinely love people. To show them kindness and to let them return the same. It’s hard but I’m getting better at it.
Martina (40): Let people reveal themselves to you
A major mistake I made while dating was being too upfront. I announced my standards and beliefs without hearing people out. I did that because I thought it was better to be direct. I didn’t realize that I was giving them ammunition to use against me.
A particular ex pretended to believe in purity like me only for me to find out that he had been cheating with multiple partners. When I confronted him, he said he didn’t want to lose me so he pretended to share my values.
Let people show you who they are. Observe and listen. That way you’ll know if they truly share your values or if they are just posing to gain access to you.
James (38): Don’t start what you can’t finish
Jemima was entitled and selfish but I found it cute because I could afford to sponsor her lifestyle. Thankfully my friends were there to point out her flaws. How she treated me like her pleasure tool and atm.
This woman didn’t care about conversations or making plans with me. All she wanted was money. My friends asked me if I intended to spend the rest of my life with that behavior.
We tried to talk about her issues but she accused me of not wanting to take care of her. Looking back I wonder why I allowed her to use me as an atm. I guess I had my issues too.
Faith (50): People change
We got married very young. At the time our parents took care of rent since we were fresh graduates.
The first 10 years were great until he became rich while I had to drop my career to raise the Children. My angelic husband became a demon.
This man developed habits that I could have never associated with him. Every time I tried to talk to him, all he said was that he could now afford the lifestyle he desired and that I was becoming a burden.
I did everything possible to save that marriage but in the end, I had to let go. When making a lifelong commitment like marriage, please bear in mind that people change sometimes for the worse and there is nothing you can do about it.
Rudy (39): Dump her if she listens too much to her friends
It means she doesn’t have a mind of her own. She cares more about the validation of these women than she cares about you.
I never tried to stop her from spending time with her friends but every decision we made in our relationship had to go through them.
We would discuss an issue and conclude but after discussing it with her friends she would return with ridiculous ideas. I loved her but her weak-mindedness sabotaged our relationship.
Eva (21): Whenever we fought we said terrible things to each other
Words that created self-doubt and self-hate Although we tried to forgive and move on, every new fight was another nail in the coffin of our relationship.
I’m slowly learning how to be kind to my partner even during an argument. I no longer treat arguments as a contest for exchanging hateful words.
Bonnie (37): Don’t live your life dependent on the benevolence of another individual
I got married at 26 and spent 5 years in hell before I got separated from him. I went in as a fresh graduate. No skills and no job. I was fully dependent on him for everything. That was a bad decision.
Financial independence is your safety, it gives you options and protects you from the abuse of others. Even if they promise you heaven and earth, don’t give up your financial independence. Have your own money, no matter how little.
Feyi (26): Not exactly failed, but he died!
I dated my ex for 7 years. He was my first and only. He taught me everything I know about love. When he died I thought I would die too. It’s been one year and I still fall into denial, expecting him to come home.
Everyone thinks I should have moved on by now since we weren’t married. I don’t know how to explain to them that he was my world.
Some days I think I have healed from the loss and other days I cry for hours on end. I have finally realized that healing is not linear. There’ll be good days and bad days but we keep hoping for the best.
Hauwa (32): He was unkind
I prayed for good inlaws and I got them. They were kind and loving, they listened to me and supported me. I was very happy because I had been taught that all I needed for a happy home was to have good inlaws.
I failed to see the fact that the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was unkind. I forgot to consider the fact that I would be spending my life with him and not the inlaws.
If I could have another go at life I would ditch him and his amazing family. It is better to marry an amazing partner and avoid his horrible family than to have amazing inlaws while living with a monster.
Imani (31): Don’t lose yourself in a relationship
You are individuals and it’s ok to have separate hobbies and friend circles. Don’t pretend to be who you’re not to keep your partner. It is the most tiring and unkind thing you can do to yourself.
Dan (28): My ex-fiancee was verbally abusive
I fully understood what the bible meant when it said it is better to live on the roof than to live with a quarrelsome woman. I hated my life while I was with her.
The worst part was the fact that everyone thought she was amazing because they hadn’t seen her venomous side. Nothing I did was ever good enough and everything she said chipped off my self-confidence.
It’s been months since we broke off our engagement and I still haven’t healed from her. Now I do not accept any kind of mean talk. I don’t care if the person says it’s a joke, I quickly cut them off.
Never again will I allow myself to be belittled in such a manner.
Vivian (33): If you can’t trust them fully, move on
If he wanted to, he would. If he wanted to cheat on you, he would look for ways to do it. I was foolishly checking his phone and monitoring his movements like a detective.
Just when I was beginning to convince myself that I was paranoid, his side chick showed up with his 11-month-old child. To date, I still wonder how he hid an entire baby for 11 months.
If you can’t trust them fully then move on because if they wanted to hurt you, they would.
Tiana (29): We are all gold diggers
Men shame women a lot for desiring financial security from their men but what we all ignore is the fact that men also go after rich women. I ended my previous relationship because he was a user.
Asking for financial aid every week while making promises that never got fulfilled. I didn’t mind growing up with him but his dishonesty was scary and the worst part was that he either failed to refund the full amount he borrowed or he would pay back after much pestering then he would make me feel like an unsupportive girlfriend.
These days I try not to flaunt my wealth in the presence of my romantic partners.
Ari (25): Self-esteem was such a major
I didn’t feel beautiful because of my stature so I was always the one reaching out, pursuing friendships or love. I fought for the attention of all my past partners. Now looking back I feel embarrassed.
I was treated badly and they made me feel like they were doing me a favor. I know better now, it is better to be alone than to be constantly disrespected. With or without a romantic partner, I have decided to love myself no matter what.
Devon (36): I was taught to pursue money and watch as women would also pursue me
At 36, I realize that that is bad advice. While women did pursue me it was for all the wrong reasons. I wish I had invested in my personality and in building meaningful friendships at least I wouldn’t be attracting users now.
Gordon (40): Be Kind
Be kind to divorcees. When I met Ana, I thought we would grow old together. We were soul mates.
If anyone had told us that we would part ways we would have laughed in their faces but life happened and we had to say our goodbyes.
I see a lot of people shaming divorcees and it makes me feel sad. No one tethers their life to the life of another person just to end the relationship along the way.
Nobody goes into marriage with the sole purpose of crashing it after a few years. Life happens, be kind.
Lesley (42): The person who constantly makes sacrifices and compromises will eventually break
As women, we were taught to be subservient but sometimes in the process of stooping, you get stuck and forget how to stand up for yourself.
By the time I found my voice again, I had devoted years of my life to being someone else’s doormat. Any relationship that requires you to lower your voice and dim your light is bad for you.
It will steal the best parts of you and make you forget who you are. I wish I had known that earlier.
Just Before You Go
Take a moment to reflect on the wisdom and lessons they have to offer.
While experience is a valuable teacher, it’s not always the most pleasant one.
As the saying goes, “A wise man learns from his mistakes, but a wiser man learns from the mistakes of others.”
Learning from these hard-earned lessons can spare you some heartache, and help you navigate future relationships with greater confidence.
